on comparison and deleting tiktok

i'm not normally one to struggle with comparison. i'm proud of the individual progress i've made over the years and don't often compare my career trajectory to others'. however, when it comes to my body, the game changes completely. 

like many women, i've struggled with my self-image. i've been told, from a young age, that my body "should" look a certain way that it, quite frankly, never has. my bmi says i'm obese for my height and age, my doctor tells me to get to a certain weight that my body hasn't been since my teens, many of the women in my life have the "ideal" body type that i don't meet. as much as i compare my body with my friends' bodies, it never took a - for lack of a better term - toxic term. until i downloaded tiktok. 

suddenly, i was inundated with bodies of normal, everyday women that looked so different from mine. many of these women were promoting different diets, exercise regimes, helpful tips and tricks that they used to lose 40+lbs. no matter how many times i clicked "not interested" on the videos, more and more would pop up. i felt so ashamed of how i looked, of the things i ate and the ways i moved my body. i'm used to seeing models and social media influencers with flat stomachs and toned bodies, but the realization of how different i look from other women was detrimental to my mental health. 

i began intermittent fasting again - something i've been doing on and off for the last year - but stretching my 13 hour fasts to 17, 18, 19, 20 hours. i started only eating once or twice a day - if at all - either a couple of small meals or one larger one. i began hardcore restricting my diet, reverting back to old ways of eating that i know are bad for me. my workouts became harder because, instead of focusing on the improvements i've made while running, my mind automatically criticizes me for all of the things i'm not doing right, for all of the ways my body looks and feels wrong. instead of treating my body with kindness and compassion, i was hyperfocused on punishing myself for the way i look.

after talking to one of my best friends about this, she recommended that i deleted tiktok from my phone. not even realizing how deeply the content on the app affected me, i initially brushed this off but eventually decided to try. i reached out to a couple of close friends for advice and for help, made a commitment to eat regularly, and to try to reframe the narrative of how i speak to myself. it's only been a few days since deleting the app and implementing these changes, but my head feels so, so much more clear. 

while tiktok is such a great platform for so many, it's important to acknowledge the negative impact the app can have. while we're quarantining, it's important to treat our bodies and minds with patience and gratitude. while struggling with mental health does not justify shitty behavior, it's important to acknowledge the ways we've wronged ourselves and others and, hopefully, try to change for the better. 

- a.